The wrath of God
GOD LOVES CHILDREN. Everyone knows that. Except when they’re naughty. This is from the New International Version, 2 Kings verses 23-24: From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out […]
More Bible horror
MOSES. GREAT GUY. Led the children of Israel out of the hands of the Egyptian despots and found the Promised Land. What a hero! But he had a dark side. This is from the King James Version, Numbers chapter 31, verses 13 to 18: And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of […]
The murderous Bible
THE BIBLE is a book of love, forgiveness and understanding, right? Well, the New Testament might be, but Bible 1.0 is a different matter entirely. Here are some of the more lethal instructions: Kill adulterers Leviticus 20:10 Kill all witches Exodus 22:18 Kill blasphemers Leviticus 24:14 Kill fortune-tellers Leviticus 20:27 Kill anyone who sins Ezekiel […]
Fooling God
MY GRANDFATHER was buried in Jewish cemetery. Walking to the grave I noticed a wire, suspended on poles, along the side of the path. I turned to the rabbi and asked him what it was for. He explained that when they built the cemetery they made the paths only four feet wide. It says in […]
Red herring miracle
THE NOTED THEOLOGIAN Thomas Aquinas died in 1274, and in 1319 the Catholic Church wanted to make him a saint. There are two criteria for this most exalted of positions: either you must have been martyred, or you had to have performed at least one miracle. Aquinas, a Dominican Friar, lived a cosy life as […]
The age problem, solved
METHUSELAH WAS THE OLDEST person in the bible, reaching the rather splendid age of 969. He’s otherwise only of interest for being Noah’s grandfather, and Noah obviously inherited his genes – he made it to 950. Elsewhere, we read that Adam lasted to 930, while his third son Seth achieved an impressive 912 years. So why […]
Noah’s dilemma
THE WORLD’S MOST CELEBRATED SHIPBUILDER certainly had his work cut out. Not only did he have to build a 50-cubit long boat, he also had to fill it with two of everything. Two lions, two antelopes, two zebra finches, and so on. Two mosquitoes. Really? Couldn’t he have missed out the mosquitoes? Two iguanas, two lemurs, […]
The first Mrs Adam
ADAM AND EVE were, as everyone knows, the first happy couple. Except that they weren’t the first couple. That would be Adam and Lilith. Adam’s first wife doesn’t get a lot of coverage in the Bible. She’s been almost comprehensively expunged, edited out of history with an efficiency Lenin would have envied. Almost. There are […]