Final request
I HAVE TWO final wishes. 1. I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. 2. I don’t want to be cremated.
Jesus’ dad
ONE DAY, JESUS CHRIST had had enough of working miracles and decided to search for his father. All he knew was that he was called Joseph, and he was a carpenter. He searched the villages, going door to door. Then he searched nearby towns, and even different countries. Eventually, he knocked on the door of […]
In a pickle
GARY WORKED in a pickle factory. One day he came home looking very upset. His wife could tell something was wrong, and asked him what the problem was. ‘It’s just… it’s embarrassing,’ he explained. ‘But I have this overwhelming urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer.’ His wife suggested making an appointment with […]
The visit
ONE DAY AN ALIEN landed on earth. He was clearly from a very advanced situation, and all the world’s leaders wanted the chance to talk to him. He agreed to give them five minutes each. Eventually it was the Pope’s turn. He sat down with the alien, and asked: ‘Do you know our Lord and […]
Pronunciation
TWO AMERICAN TOURISTS were driving through Wales. They approached a well-known town and gazed at the name on the signboard. ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch’, read the sign. The Americans stared at it, and started arguing about the possible pronunciation. They continued arguing until they stopped for lunch. As they were ordering, they said to the girl behind the […]
Rabbits
A PRIEST, a rabbit and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, ‘What would you like?’ ‘No idea,’ says the rabbit. ‘I’m only here because of autocorrect.’
Holy cola
A GROUP OF COCA-COLA executives go to the Vatican to visit the Pope, and make him an offer. ‘How about,’ they say, ‘if, in the Lord’s Prayer, rather than “give us this day our daily bread”, you were to say “give us this day our daily Coke”?’ ‘Impossible,’ the Pope replies. ‘The holy scripture cannot […]
Doctor, doctor
A MAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR for the results of his tests. ‘It’s not looking good,’ the doctor says. ‘I’m very sorry to say you don’t have much time to live.’ The man blanches. ‘So… how much time do I have?’ ‘Ten,’ says the doctor. ‘Ten what? Ten years? Ten months?’ ‘Nine,’ says the doctor.
The undertaker
A WOMAN GOES INTO a funeral parlour, where she sees her late husband laid out in his coffin. ‘Oh, no,’ she says. ‘He’s wearing his blue suit. He hated that suit. Can you change it?’ The undertaker replies, ‘Well, the funeral is in a couple of hours. But leave it with me – there is […]
Well well well
TWO MEN are out for a walk in the countryside. They find a well, and want to know how deep it is. So they drop a stone down. There’s no splash. They drop a rock, and listen – still no splash. Then they find a millstone nearby, stand it up between them, and with a […]
Intellectual jokes
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for Martinus. “You mean a Martini,” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it”. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says […]
Logical thinking
THREE LOGICIANS walk into a bar. The bartender says “Do you all want beer?” First one says “Maybe.” Second one says “Maybe.” Third one says “Yes.”