HONESTLY. YOU’D THINK characters in movies had never seen a movie before. Here are my suggestions for ways to avoid coming to a premature sticky end.
- Never go down into a cellar. Especially if the power is off.
- If it’s your last job as a cop before you retire, don’t tell anyone. Or you’d be unlikely to make it to retirement.
- Conversely if you’re a retired hitman or secret agent and you’re called out of retirement for a job only you could do, then do it. You’ll probably get a series.
- If you’re a super baddie and you’ve finally managed to capture the secret agent, just kill them. Don’t waste time telling them your master plan.
- Don’t say “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to do that.” You’ll end up doing precisely that in the next scene.
- If you kill a serial killer, a ghoul or any other kind of monster, make sure you really did kill them. Because you probably didn’t.
- If you’re left a deserted spooky house in your aunt’s will, don’t move your family in straight away. Or indeed at all.
- Your dog suddenly starts barking uncontrollably at something you can’t see. Don’t just say “Hey, Rex, cut it out.” There’s probably a good reason.
- If you’re a henchman and in a group of henchmen, don’t attack the secret agent one at a time. Strength in numbers.
- If a gnarled local warns you not to go there, then don’t go there.
- If you’re in an episode of Casualty and you appear in the first scene, be prepared to spend the rest of the episode swathed in bandages.
